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Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: USA & UK

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Katie who is British and had her first son in the USA and her second in the UK. Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

Hi, I’m Katie. I’m originally from the UK although I have lived all over the place! I have been living in Marseille since September 2014 with my husband and two children. We moved here for my husband’s job – he’s an astrophysicist working at Aix-Marseille university – and are planning on settling here permanently if all goes according to plan. My older son, Jack, is 6 and a half and was born in the USA and Oliver is 1 and a half and was born in the UK.

having a baby abroad US and UK Katie PieriWhy did you have your children abroad?

My eldest son was born in the USA because that’s where we were living at the time and the same goes for Oliver and the UK.
What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

Jack is eligible for a US passport which, having been through the process of trying to get a job in the US when not a citizen, is certainly a bonus! Other than that, I don’t think there were any ‘benefits’ to having him in the US over the UK. It was certainly a lot more expensive!!

Now that we are raising our sons in France I would say that the major benefit is that they will grow up to be bilingual. I think that this will give them great opportunities in life. The lifestyle in the South of France is much more laid back than in the UK or US as well and the weather obviously is a bonus 🙂
As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I was a first-time mum in the US, so language wasn’t a problem luckily. I think that the biggest thing for me, was being so far away from family. However I had friends that kind of filled that gap and helped out when I needed them.

With regards to the healthcare, it was completely doctor-led which is very different from my experience the second time around in the UK. As a first time mum I personally found this reassuring, although if I had been in the US for my second pregnancy I don’t think I would have wanted it this way. I also appreciated the 2-day stay in hospital, in my own private room, before I had to go home and face ‘reality’. Also, did I mention the cost??? Even though we had insurance we still had to pay a LOT of money!!

Second time around, although I was in the UK it was my first experience of having a baby there and things were very different. The only reason I saw a doctor was because I had a low-lying placenta, otherwise everything was handled by a midwife. I was able to give birth in a birthing centre, rather than a labour ward, and things were much more relaxed and laid-back. I was more relaxed anyway due to previous experience and laboured at home for the majority of the time but once in the birthing centre my midwife spent most of the time in the corner of the room observing and letting me do my thing! Incidentally, she was French and even offered to let me practice my French – I didn’t take her up on the offer! My son arrived at about 7.30am after a 5 hour labour and I was home by lunchtime! I can see how the speed of this discharge would daunt a first time mum but as I wanted to be home when my older son cam e home from school I loved it. Plus I could shower in my own bathroom!

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

The only main difference was the hands-on ‘medical’ treatment of the pregnancy and delivery. In the US I definitely felt like my pregnancy was treated as a medical condition whereas in the UK the attitude was quite the opposite. Otherwise attitudes towards our parenting choices are much the same in the US and the UK. I breastfed my older son for a year, which is quite a long time compared to most women in both countries, I suppose. I am still breastfeeding my second son, who is 20 months, which is definitely quite unusual for both countries and even more so now I live in France!. Information and services about breastfeeding and help with breastfeeding were much more readily available and advertised in Portsmouth, the city I lived in in the UK compared to where I was in the US. I am sure the information is available in the US too, but it wasn’t made as easily available. In Portsmouth there are free support groups every day of the week that mums can attend and peer supporters who will come to your home to help, if necessary.

Second time around we have been much more laid back but most of our parenting style is the same as when we were first-time parents. I don’t know how my ‘style’ compares to that of French mothers really, but I don’t seem to stick out like a sore thumb too much – other than the fact that I am the mum yelling in English to her kids outside school rather than French! I still carry my, admittedly rather large, toddler in a sling sometimes and he still ends up in our bed at night but they are not things that make big differences in the grand scheme of things.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

I would say do lots of research, meet as many mums and expectant mums as possible and follow your gut. Listen to everyone’s advice and use all of it, some of it or none of it depending on what works for you and your family. There is no ‘right’ way to prepare for a baby or parent a child – do what feels right and always push for what you want.

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: UNITED KINGDOM

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Pauline who is French and had her daughter in the UK. Here is her story:

Having baby abroad UK French Mother

Pauline and Emilie

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

My name is Pauline, I am 31 and I am originally from France. I came to the UK when I was 18 to improve my English. It was supposed to be a year out but I decided to stay and I now live in Sussex with my half French-half English husband and our 4 months old daughter Emilie. She was born in England at our local hospital.

 

Why did you have your daughter abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

I had my daughter in the UK because it is where we live. We never thought about having her in France as it would have been too impractical and my husband wouldn’t have been able to be there due to work.

 

I like the English attitude to pregnancy and birth. Unless there is a problem, it is a very ‘hands-off’ approach. I was referred to the community midwife who saw me once a month at first, then fortnightly the last trimester, and I had two growth scans at 12 and 20 weeks. I only saw an obstetrician when I was giving birth because it ended up being a ventouse and forceps delivery.

 

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I was very relaxed. I didn’t expect to feel this way at all; I had a lot of misgivings about the National Health Service when I first moved to England and I wasn’t reassured by my subsequent visits to the doctor, whereas my experience of French medical care had been very good, especially access to specialists. But I am actually glad I wasn’t in France where pregnancy and birth are much more medicalised, as if being pregnant is a disease that has to be managed rather than a natural thing.

 

I had a choice about the kind of birth I would prefer; I wrote a birth plan and discussed it with the midwife. The worst bit was the hospital ward, it was hot and crowded and the food was inedible, but I knew this would be the case as it is the same in most hospitals in England.

 

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

I had heard that to reach their targets and to save money, midwives may try to dissuade me from having an epidural, but that wasn’t my experience. They do prefer for births to be as natural as possible but I was given one without difficulty when I asked. I could have chosen a water birth or a home delivery and this would have been accommodated as much as possible. This is not at all the norm in France, you might have to fight to have the birth you want.

 

It is also unusual to want to breastfeed in France, whereas doctors and midwives in the UK are very pro-breastfeeding, to the degree that if you choose to formula-feed, it can be difficult not to feel guilty. But the level of support differs widely from place to place and it is common for many women to give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. I had fantastic support. Whilst still in hospital, a lactation consultant showed me different latching techniques and helped me write a feeding plan for the first 4 days after the birth. There was a breastfeeding room on the ward where I was taught how to express as well.

 

Some people also look at me strangely when I say that I co-sleep, it is encouraged that babies should learn to sleep independently from a very young age and that I am ‘making a rod for my own back’ and she will still need me to fall asleep when she is 7 years old if I don’t wean her off it now. It seems to be quite a controversial practice but it is what works best for us however I don’t know if it is different in other countries. My sister who never left France still occasionally breastfeeds her 3-year-old and co-slept so I thought it was normal until I read otherwise on this website!!!

 

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

I was quite lucky that I am fluent in English so there were no language issues, otherwise my experience would have been very different. Read a pregnancy book, go on online forums to get another perspective and bring a list of questions to your midwife, otherwise they will just do the checks and leave you to it.

Find out more about Pauline on here Blog , on Facebook and Twitter

 

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

 

 

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: UNITED KINGDOM

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having baby abroad UK This week I talk the Lerner AKA the “Stay At Home Babe” who is American and had first baby in the US and her second in the UK as part of the series The Global Differences of Baby-Making. Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself. Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

I’m an American, born and raised in the Midwest. I grew up in Oklahoma, went to boarding school in Indiana and then traveled around like a vagabond until I got pregnant and went back home to have a more settled life when my son was born.

My oldest is seven and was born in Missouri (USA), my youngest is almost three and she was born in England.

Why did you have your children abroad?

My husband’s English and I got pregnant with our daughter while we were still living on separate continents. Whoops! As my third trimester began and he still couldn’t get transferred to the states for work, it became clear we’d have to relocate to England if we were going to be in one place when she was born. She wouldn’t listen to reason and just wait a few more months.

Having baby abroadWhat do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

I really like that the UK has a midwife-centric system. The only time a pregnant woman sees a doctor is if there’s something medically wrong. It just made sense to me. Pregnancy isn’t an illness, why would I need to see a doctor if I’m not sick? ObGyn’s are trained surgeons… I didn’t need surgery, I was just pregnant. I felt really at ease with the midwife team I met when I arrived.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I really loved it. I was hoping for a home birth and the midwives here really support that and have a mobile birthing pack that they will leave at your house a couple of weeks before your due date so you’re all set up when the baby comes. I ended up transferring to the hospital in the second stage of my labor and having a natural birth in the hospital because that’s just how I felt in the moment and there’s no reasoning with a woman in labor. But, overall I really liked it over here. The system just made sense to me. My first was born in the states and it always felt a little bit too sterile, not as natural as I would have liked in an ideal world. They’re much more relaxed about pregnancy and birth over here. I loved it.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

Uhoh, I think I got a little ahead of myself and may have addressed this with my last answer. But one thing that I found to be very different over here is that the midwives did follow-up visits after the birth at my home, rather than the mother coming into the office. They came by a couple of times the first week and several times during the thirty days after the birth. I was amazed! I don’t think my own family stopped by that many times in the states.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

I think the biggest key for any expectant mother is to just be as informed as humanly possible. Know how your physician/midwife plans to proceed and make sure that’s what you want and feel comfortable with as well. I think the most important thing as an expectant mother is to feel supported, and in collaboration with the plan. Sitting back and being shuffled through the birth plan… or worse, the actual birth… is a sure path to a less-than-positive birth experience.

Trust yourself and your body, along with the qualified input of your birthing team. It will all be over and gone so soon; and while some parts of being hugely pregnant can be miserable, there really are some great memories worth holding onto.

 

Lerner is a heavily-tattooed, hen-keeping, profanity-loving, die-hard foodie mom who has a personal blog (with moxy) at Stay At Home Babe. She spends way too much time on Twitter and is also available on Facebook or by email at babe@stayathomebabe.com

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

 

 

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: AUSTRALIA and UNITED KINGDOM

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having a baby in IndiaThis week I talk Mrs B who is Estonian and had first son in Australia and her second in the UK as part of the series The Global Differences of Baby-Making. She talks about the differences and the similarities between Estonia, Australia and the UK. Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?
I am from Estonia, but at the age of 17 I won a scholarship to study in the States for a year and my expat life started.  Now 18 years later, I have lived in the US, Germany, Australia and since early 2006 in the UK (interestingly, this is the first time I’ve done the math and as a result realised that I have now been away from Estonia for longer than I lived there – time flies!).

I studied languages but have been working in web development for the past 10 years.  At the moment I work 4 days a week in the city while my live-in mother looks after my two sons, my 6-year old who was born in Australia and my 2-year old who was born in the UK.

Why did you have your children abroad?
I had my first son in Australia because I had lived there for 5 years by then, had an Aussie husband, felt very comfortable with the system and travelling to Estonia for the birth was just not an option due to the distance.

My second son was born after we’d been living in London for 4 years.  Knowing what a busy and overcrowded city it is, I did think about travelling to Estonia for more one-on-one attention pre- and post birth, but in the end I decided to stay here to make sure that my husband wouldn’t miss the birth.

 

having a baby in Australia and UK

Mrs B's sons

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?
Compared to Estonia, I’m glad that both countries that I’ve given birth in let me work until 2 weeks before the birth.  In Estonia women go on maternity leave 70-30 days before the due date meaning they HAVE TO stay at home from 36 weeks.  I would have been so bored and anxious sitting at home all that time, I think being busy and active as long as possible is much nicer.

I think that it’s also less stressful to have a baby in the country that you live in, that way you don’t have to travel with a young baby and there’s no stress of having to get a passport quickly to be able to go back “home”, etc.


As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?
I consider myself lucky to have had my first child in Australia.  Australians are very much into natural delivery and breastfeeding, and felt that I received a lot of very useful information and guidance throughout my pregnancy.  Once I was in labour, the midwives were exceptionally encouraging and calming.  I sent them both a huge bouquet of flowers afterwards, they made me feel very special.

After the birth they visited my room often to ensure that breastfeeding was going well, offering to help almost at every feeding.  Also, I was very happy that I was able to stay in the hospital for 4 days and that by the time I went home, the feeding was going well.

Once I was at home, I visited the local baby clinic almost every week initially.  It was a great environment to have a bit of one-on-one time with the nurse and get reassurance that everything was alright.

In England the situation was a bit different.  Every step of the way I felt like I was on a conveyor belt, being rushed through every appointment.  Thankfully I was having my second child so I didn’t mind too much because I was already equipped with a lot of information.

However, my second birth didn’t go very well at all. There is no point in blaming the country or the system, perhaps the planets just didn’t align that day.  Even after the long and traumatic birth, the aftercare was minimal.  That could have been because I had had my second one and maybe the opinion was that I didn’t need any support as I’d done it all before.  I really missed being able to stay in the hospital for more than 24 hours, the personal aftercare appointments and the general natural/breastfeeding promoting/baby wearing attitudes of the Aussies.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?
As mentioned already, Australia and Estonia are both very breastfeeding friendly.  The UK doesn’t seem to be there yet and it really saddens me when a new mother is not guided enough to establish breastfeeding before she leaves the hospital.

My boys were both born with tongue ties so feeding them was a bit tricky in the beginning.  Thankfully I had been taught a good method in Australia so by the time I got annoyed looks by the UK midwives for holding my second son in the “wrong position” I just told them to bugger off (as nicely as I could a day after giving birth 🙂 )

In regard to the tongue ties, in Estonia they would have probably be snipped at birth, just like they snipped my own when I was born.  Neither in Australia nor in the UK though did they think that was necessary.  I would have preferred for this minor surgery to be performed as soon as possible, I wasn’t keen to wait and see whether they’d have speech problems.  I couldn’t find a willing surgeon to perform these simple snips in neither country though so the boys had their tongues fixed in Estonia during our visits. We waited perhaps a bit too long with the oldest as he did require speech therapy later on.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?
If giving birth in Australia, I would recommend going private – it does not cost very much if you have private health insurance (which almost everyone does have over there) and it ensures that you have your own room and can stay for up to 5 days.  I would also recommend going to the antenatal classes, even if you’ve had kids before in other countries – the information they share there about you anatomy and the process of labour was excellent and very useful once in labour.

After birth, definitely visit the baby clinics and the new mother’s groups that are set up in your area.  They are both very nice and reassuring environments to ask questions, get help if needed or just vent.

If giving birth in the UK, I would recommend choosing the opposite – the midwife led programme.  I had chosen the obstetrician led program, simply because it seemed similar to the Australian system, but in the end it meant that the midwives changed very often (too often) during labour and since no one had seen me before I felt that they just rushed through their shift and treated me like a number.

If I ever have another child, I would choose the midwife option to establish a good relationship with the women who are going to help me labour.  Although, I might have to go to a completely new country to give birth altogether in since so far every single member of our family has their very own and different birth country 🙂

Mrs B has blogged at www.crankymonkeys.com/blog since she became a mother, writing about the good and the bad – severe sleep deprivation, “sleep schools” in Australia, sunny Aussie life, moving to the UK, travelling, job hunting, settling into the life of a working mom, missed miscarriage, secondary infertility and post-natal depression and lately more and more positive stuff.

 

You can also find Mrs B on Twitter

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

 


 

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: United Kingdom

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This week we go to the UK as part of the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making. Deborah has two sons; one born in the UK and the other, in her home country, the US. She talks about the challenges of having a baby so far away from family and friends, the taboo that is natural childbirth and glamour of driving a mini-van. Here is her story:

 

Deborah and Gabriella with their sons Asher and Levi

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?
I’m Deborah Goldstein, freelance writer, columnist for Patch.com and mother to 7-year-old Asher and 4-year-old Levi. I’m a Gemini married to a Sagittarius, which seems to work out ok. My partner Gabriella and I have been together 17 years, and we still like each other for the most part. I was born in New York City, spent most of my childhood in the suburbs outside of Chicago, gave birth the first time around in London and now I’m back in U.S. driving around the glamorous suburbs of New Jersey in my mini-van.

Why did you have your children abroad?
In 1999, my partner Gabriella and I started itching to travel. We decided that we’d move overseas wherever either of us could find work. Her company offered her a job in London, and we lived there for 7 years. We had our first child at the Royal Free Hospital’s birth centre in Belsize Park in 2003. In 2006, Gabriella’s company offered her another job in NYC, so we said, “Toodle pip!” to the UK. Our 2nd child was born at the birthing center at Roosevelt Hospital in New York.

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?
Because our first birth experience was abroad, we had no point of reference. Having given birth in the U.S. the second time around, I’ve looked at birth from both sides now as the song goes. My first child kicked a hole in the placenta at 35 weeks, and my 33 ½ hours of labor followed. I am confident now that doctors would have pushed me to have an unnecessary C-section had I given birth in the U.S. They would not have tolerated such a long labor with a premature baby. Our local hospital St. Barnabas in New Jersey is topping the C-section charts at 49% of all births.

 

Having a baby abroad UK

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?
You know how you buy an old house to fix-up because it has so much potential, and then you come to the conclusion that potential is really expensive and stressful and you vow never to do that again? But you didn’t know what to expect when you bought that house, and your contractor told you it had such good bones, and your vision of what could be was so very idyllic. We had no idea what to expect which was probably a good thing. Expecting a child for the first time was a similar experience. We romanticized our life with baby and looked forward to becoming parents. Neither one of us ever imagined how difficult it would be to parent without the support of friends or family. Those months of sleep-deprivation made the first trimester of flat-on-my-back morning-noon-and-night sickness look like a doddle.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?
The medical system in the U.S. teaches pregnant women to be afraid of pregnancy and birth, and doctors convince us to trust the medical establishment over our own bodies. They aren’t completely to blame when insurance companies have got them by the short hairs. Doctors would much rather perform surgery they can control rather than leave birth up to nature. And then there’s the issue of pain. Women in the U.S. will do anything to avoid what they’ve been taught is unbearable pain. Look, I won’t lie and say that it wasn’t painful, but I think the unfamiliarity of that kind of pain is what’s most shocking the first time around. Think about the first time you experienced any kind of pain like stubbing your toe. It still hurts when you do it again, but you are familiar with the sensation, and it’s not as scary. When you recognize what’s happening to you (and one child has stretched you out sufficiently), the pain is not nearly as significant the next time. When I tell other mothers that I gave birth without drugs, they look at me like I’ve got a tail growing out of my ear. Would you believe that it’s easier to tell people that I’m gay than it is to discuss birth? In the U.S., I am fairly closeted about my birth choices.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?
You are your own best advocate. Do some reading. Trust your choices. And always accept help from others. And, as a wise friend told me regarding the many mistakes we think we make along the way, your children grow up in spite of you.

You can follow Deborah onTwitter and also check out her blog Peaches & Coconuts

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

 

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: UK

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making we go to the UK to hear about how Michelle Garrett dealt with being away from her family, working full time and the strain it put on her relationship.

www.theamericanresident.com

Michelle - www.theamericanresident.com

 

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?
I’m from the American Midwest. I moved to England over 20 years ago as a student, fell in love, and after finishing my degree I moved to London to live with my boyfriend. We got married and a few years later had our daughter in Whitechapel, in London’s East End–a long way (in many ways) from the pretty little town I grew up in, in northern Minnesota!

 

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?
Aa an expectant mother I felt like everything was perfect. I had a very happy pregnancy experience. I loved it and I was excited everyday about meeting my child. My English husband was a junior doctor at a time when junior doctors were working 80 hour weeks but it wasn’t until my daughter was born that this had a major effect on us. It’s amazing what young, childless couples can put up with.

 

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?
When our daughter was born and I was working 168 hour weeks our relationship went rapidly downhill. My parents couldn’t visit very often and I couldn’t afford to go home. I hadn’t learned to drive in the UK so I walked everywhere, pushing my little baby in the pushchair all over the East End. Actually, I learned very quickly that my new accessory, the pushchair, made my grocery shopping much easier. I did sometimes become overly ambitious and overload the pushchair and one time it collapsed backward. I felt like a terrible mother with my daughter crashing to the floor of Sainsbury’s, bags of shopping all around her. But she didn’t even seem to notice. I think she was so used to the bumps and rough ride of Whitechapel’s uneven pavements that she just took this incident in her stride.

 

My husband and I eventually separated and divorced and I bercame a single mum in the UK. My family expected me to go home but because I had lived in the UK all my adult life (about 10 years at that point) it would have been too difficult to cope with repatriation on top of coping with divorce. I suppose my parents thought it would be easier to support me if I were closer, but there was a part of me that felt that going home would be admitting defeat. So I stayed, survived, and eventually met the love of my life and remarried. My daughter now has four fantastic English step-siblings and a wonderful, very involved English step-father.

 

 

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?
The hardest part of having a child overseas was the lack of emotional and physical support. Neither my in-laws or my parents could visit and help with any frequency and my ex-husband was simply too busy or too exhausted by his job. I had some friends thorugh my work but they were mostly single and lived all over London. How I wish there were blogs and online social networks then as there are now! I highly recommend any new mum/mom to develop an online community of support–these comminities are global so there’ll always be someone at any hour of the day or night. But I also recommend real, in person support. Make the effort–start a baby and toddler group if there aren’t any in your area. There is no substitute for sitting down with a friend over a cup of tea, even if you only just met that friend at the local playgroup an hour previously.

 

Connect with Michelle on Twitter and check out her fantastic blog www.theamericanresident.com

 

Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com