Category Archives: Global Differences

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: USA

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

My name is Danielle, I’m 34, and Canadian. I married Matthew, an American, while we were both studying in Canada, and that’s where I gave birth to our first daughter, Alyce. Matthew was offered a job in Delaware and we moved there when Alyce was 8 months old. We were still living there when I became pregnant with my second daughter, Shira. We have now all returned to Canada where we hope to make our home. Alyce is now 4 and Shira is almost 2.

Why did you have your children abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

If I’m being honest, I don’t think I would have ever said that I wanted to give birth in the U.S.A. As a Canadian I grew up feeling very proud of our universal health care, and I just didn’t know what to expect with the American system (I had never even seen a medical bill before). Fortunately we had insurance and were required to pay for only a few small services during my pregnancy. We found an birth centre with outstanding midwives, where I was able to have a water birth. Shira was born an American in May 2010!

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I think things would have been different if had been my first pregnancy, but since it was my second, I was able to relax a bit more about the entire thing. Without this experience I think I would have worried a bit more about being so far away from my family. The one real concern for us was not having family close by to offer support around the time of Shira’s birth. It was difficult finding people who could look after Alyce during the birth, and this caused me a lot of stress. We tried to coordinate visits from Canada around when we thought I’d give birth, but of course those plans never work! I was eight days past my due date when I finally went into labour, the day after my mum had to fly home. And it was a bit lonely at first, after her birth, not having anyone around to celebrate her arrival. We had lots of visitors a couple of weeks later, but it was isolating at first.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

In Canada I had a midwife-assisted birth in a hospital with Alyce, but this time around we had wanted a home birth. It turns out that home birth was not available in Delaware, so we were completely out of luck. We found a great birth centre and things worked out in the end. I called the midwives when I was four weeks pregnant, hoping they’d take me on as a client, because in Canada women are used to being turned down because they are too busy. This was not the case in Delaware! My American midwives were also more hands-on than I was used to in Canada. I was given more tests and had more routine examinations than I ever did when I was pregnant with Alyce. And breastfeeding–that was different! When I first arrived in Delaware, still nursing my 8 month old baby, I didn’t see another nursing mother for miles. I would nurse everywhere and anywhere (including Target). Once Shira was born I was starting to see more nursing mothers.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Work hard at building a community, because it makes all the difference. I didn’t have family, but I did end up joining a mother’s group at my birth centre and it made all the difference. I met wonderful women who, among many other things, could help explain some of the details of the American health care system!

You can find out more about Danielle on her blog Most Days I Win and on Twitter

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Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: FRANCE

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Carrieanne who is American and had her daughter in France. Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

I am a 29-year-old American writer. I was born in Connecticut, but raised on the sunny beaches of Florida. I spent my days as the head of a multimillion-dollar corporation and nights dreaming of living overseas. I met my future husband while on vacation in France. He moved to the USA and followed me to Montreal. Eventually, I gave up life in the fast lane and followed him back to France. Our little French American girl was born in Bayeux, France last year.

Why did you have your daughter abroad?

We decided to start our family in France because we both preferred life here. I entertained the idea of going back to the USA, but there were many obstacles.

If we moved to the USA, it takes months to recieve a spouse Visa. My husband would have to wait in France while I prepare the application in the USA. I did not want to be separated from him for that long.

Also, we are self-employed so health insurance would be expensive. I do not think insurers cover pregnancies if the applicant is already pregnant. In France, our mutual (private health insurance) costs 70 euros per month and we are 100% covered. Last year I broke a finger and was pregnant – we paid nothing out-of-pocket. Healthcare in the USA is so expensive that it would not make financial sense for us to have a baby there.

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

I like that everyone in France gets standard care. It does not matter which doctor you see, you know when you will have your ultrasounds, which blood tests will be done, and when your next appointment will be. In the USA, each doctor handles pregnancies very differently. Even though care for pregnancies is standard in France, doctors are not limited. If they think additional tests or ultrasounds are needed, they can prescribe them.

Besides free healthcare, another incredible benefit was qualifying for maternity leave. I am self-employed, yet I received about 6,500 euros for taking time off work. We also received about 900 euros from social security when I was 7 months pregnant, and 150 euros from our mutual as a gift. Now, we receive money for her each month and will recieve 9 hours of in-home daycare for free each month. I could not imagine getting all this in the USA.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I was scared and anxious at the beginning of my pregnancy. I had no idea what to expect. I could not find the information I needed online and did not have the vocabulary to communicate efficiently with doctors. I was frustrated because I felt out of control. As I gained more information and my French became better, I felt more at ease with the situation.

Blogging about my pregnancy in France helped me relax. It felt great to provide others with information that I could not find online. I received encouragement and support from my readers, which kept me going whenever I felt frustrated.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

When I was pregnant, it felt like my gynecologist was not taking me seriously when I requested a natural birth. I watched a story on the news a few nights ago and think that attitudes here are changing. Many French women are beginning to demand a less medicalized approach to giving birth.

After my daughter was born, I was almost forced to bottlefeed while in the hospital. The puericultrice and midwives took my husband aside and convinced him that I was endangering our daughter by breastfeeding. It was very emotional and difficult for me to stand my ground, especially without the full support of my husband. We later figured out that my daughter was not latching properly, and then she gained weight quickly. If I was in the USA, I could have left the hospital after she was born, met with a lactation consultant, and avoided all this stress.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Relax and learn French. It is important for you to be able to communicate efficiently with the doctors and midwives. If you usually count on your husband or significant other for translations, understand that there will be times when he will not be there. My husband is an English to French translator, but there were pregnancy-related terminologies that even he could not translate.

If you find yourself pregnant in France, I wrote a book specifically for you – French Mamma’s: Pregnant in France. I provide details of what to expect, including the standard medical schedule, emergency contact information, and sample ultrasound results. All chapters are in English and French, with important pregnancy-related vocabulary words that you should know. At the end of each chapter are practice sentences to help you learn the vocabulary words, as well as an answer key. You can download the first two chapters for free on my website.

You can read more about being pregnant in France on my French Mamma blog, or follow me onTwitter or Facebook.

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Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: CANADA

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Deb who is French and had her daughter in Canada. Here is her story:

Deb and Sixtine Charlotte

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

I am a 27 year-old Parisian French mother of one and I was born and raised in France. I met my husband (Canadian English) in Iceland, Europe in September 2008 and I moved to Prince Edward Island, Canada in July 2010. I got pregnant in February 2011 and gave birth on October 17th, 2011 to a beautiful baby girl named Sixtine Charlotte. She is now three months, 2 weeks and 6 days.

Why did you have your children abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

I had my daughter in Canada because this is where we live. We are very close to his family and they were very helpful during my entire pregnancy. It would have been nice to share this with my family as well but it wasn’t possible. Fortunately, my mother was able to come visit us both at the beginning and at the end – and was even able to assist to the birth of our daughter.

To be honest, I can’t really say how different it would have been had we lived in France. She was our first baby and I don’t know how it works in France. However, I received excellent care from both my OB-GYN and the Queen Elizabeth Hospital of PEI’s nurses who took care of me during labor and delivery. I feel very thankful for that. According to my mother, there were many different aspects of labor and delivery that surprised her but again, I couldn’t tell.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

As an expectant mother in Canada,I felt lost and overwhelmed at first. I had preconceived ideas about what would pregnancy be and prenatal care was a lot different than it is in France. I was very stressed during the first few months – I was expecting to be checked and reassured as soon as I got pregnant: Instead I was given a first appointment at the twelve weeks mark. I was also surprised and upset to learn that I wouldn’t be able to know the sex of my baby. We actually had to pay a private clinic for this service. And wait until I was six months pregnant ! In France, it is much earlier than that and it is free of charge. Also I found I didn’t have as much privacy during L&D as I thought I would have.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

don’t like to compare both countries as it makes it sound like I am criticizing and not appreciating my country of residence but this isn’t at all what I am trying to do.

On the other hand, as I mentioned earlier, despite of those “oddities”, I had a great Doctor which made up for it all. At the end of the day, my daughter was born healthy and that is all that really matters to us.

I felt guilty for not breastfeeding long enough. I don’t recall breastfeeding being as massively advertised in France as it is here.
Co-sleeping, and cloth diapering are things that I had never heard of before moving to Canada. In my opinion, it is less popular in France which explain the puzzled reactions in my French entourage. Most mums go back to work after three months in France so co-sleeping isn’t as practical.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

This is your pregnancy, and this is your baby. Listen to your heart and don’t feel that you have to explain yourself on everything. Do what feels right for you. Try not to compare between what things could have been and what things are. Just take the best ! And forget the rest ! I would also recommend the movie “Le Premier Cri” (“The First Cry”) which is a beautiful movie about pregnancy and birth around the world (http://www.disney.fr/FilmsDisney/lepremiercri/) .

Connect with Deb here:

Facebook Sixtine and the little things
Blog Sixtine and the little things
Email Contact me

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Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: UAE

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Zoe who is British and had her first son in Dubai, UAE and her second in the UK. Here is her story:

having baby abroad dubai united arab emirates UAE

Zoe with Oscar and Jasper

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

I moved to Dubai from a previous expat location, The Cayman Islands in the Caribbean. However my husband and I are both originally from Kent, UK. We lived in Dubai for approximately 3 years before we had our son there. I now have two sons, Oscar aged 3.3 who was born in Dubai and Jaspar 1.3 who was born in UK. I had Oscar when I was 32 and Jaspar when I was 34 years old.

Why did you have your children abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

I had Oscar abroad as we were living in that country and flying to the UK would have been very inconvenient due to the fact you would have to fly before 7 months and then you are advised not to fly when the baby is still very tiny which would have meant being away from my husband for quite a few months. Also you do have to pay in Dubai which my husbands employer covered in their medical insurance. If they had not it may have been a different story and would have gone back to UK as there it is free!! The hospitals in the UK all look directly from the 70’s and although they have the medical equipment, because the service is free you cannot have scans etc more than twice throughout your pregnancy. So when we went to our hospital in Dubai it seemed like a 5 star hotel and as you pay for every service, they are all readily available!

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I felt totally at ease. All I felt was that as long as I had my husband there I would be ok!! Also, it didnt matter where we were, I was going to be in lots of pain either way!!!

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

I found in general everything was more on the medical side than the natural side but didnt bother me too much as I like ansewrs!! I like 2 and 2 to equal 4, where with pregnancy and birth there is no exact calculation but they made you feel as though there were?!?

One thing that was different was you were weighed constantly and I was told I was gaining too much weight and kept being told the bigger I got the bigger the baby will get and I have to get that baby out somehow so better to try and keep him small. I was put on a diet of no potato, pasta, rice or bread from around 4 months. At the time it was very difficult but after I hardly gained any weight and went straight back to previous body.

With my second son in the UK I was not weighed and was told it doesnt really matter and I ended up putting on loads of weight and having a huge 4.4kg baby!! So were they right????

Also, in Dubai I was induced at 8 days over due as, again she had estimated he was a big baby, the induction was not really successful and I ended up having a c section – in hindsight I would have said no lets wait the full 14 days over to see if I go naturally – Oscar ended up 3.8kg which is still not small? I felt there was more interferring in Dubai than in the UK!

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Take the docs advice but still listen to yourself and stick to your guns if you feel strongly about something.

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: USA

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Shadi who is Iranian but grew up in Dubai and had her daughter in the United States (she’s also expecting her second baby). Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

My name is Shadi. I am from Iran. I grew up in Dubai and moved to the States at the age of 19 to peruse my studies. I have been here in the States, South Carolina for 14 years minus a break from living here where I completed my masters in the UK. Ironically, I met my “English” husband in the States so we have all kinds of cultures going on in our household! We have a 3 year old daughter and I had her here in South Carolina, US where we live today.

Why did you have your daughter abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

Growing up so internationally I didn’t have a specific preference of where I would like to have children. It was going to be where I was living at the time. My daughter is lucky to now have both American and British citizenships. I grew up with an Iranian passport and I know all too well how hard traveling was so I am very happy that my daughter will never experience that. I’m sure there are support groups for moms and women everywhere, there are immensely supportive groups you can find here like the MOMS Club, which I am a part of, I don’t know what I would have done without them being so far away from my family. Women need women, no matter how supportive our husbands are! 🙂

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I was very lucky to have a smooth pregnancy, I really enjoyed being pregnant. I was also working throughout my pregnancy so that kept me busy. There are so many classes you can choose to take here and if you are looking for support, it is at your doorstep. I was especially surprised at how much emphasis there was on breastfeeding. That was one of the best classes I took, it helped me so much. I ended up breastfeeding for 16 months.

Of course I had the anxieties that any person would have while pregnant, especially being away from my mom, and reading, reading, reading helped a lot, as well as talking to friends and family who have had kids!

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

Not necessary with my pregnancy and of course with parenting, everyone has an opinion! While pregnant, I got great care from the doctors, I went for checkups regularly and towards the end, the visits became more and more frequent because that is what is asked of you.

My biggest issue about having a baby here was the clinical feel of it, there is a protocol and it is what it is. Most doctors treat having a baby like it’s a medical process, get it out, job done. I didn’t feel that connection with my doctors. Yes “doctors,” I was part of a medical group so I had many and whoever was available that day was going to deliver my child although at the end I found out it’s the nurses that do everything anyway!

Also, while I was pregnant, I found out that the typical process that takes place here, is they don’t let you go overdue by much, you will get induced, which is a very painful and rushed labor and therefore, you end up getting an epidural, which ends up in a c-section because you and the baby are absolutely exhausted, guess what? It is exactly what happened to me! However, thanks to my husband, we have good insurance, therefore, I had a large private room to myself, great care and at the women’s hospital I delivered at, there was a nurse that visited me daily to help me with breastfeeding, even bra fitting! I also did get to hold my baby pretty much right away even though I had a c-section, my husband held her next to my head until they were done stitching me up so I had my constant contact until I was able to breastfeed her rolling into our private room.

To be honest, in my opinion, the whole attachment to your birth plan is a 1st time mother thing, once it actually happens, however it happens, all that matters is that you are both healthy.

I would like to add here that I am now pregnant with my second and have chosen a different doctor. This doctor will be the only doctor I will see throughout my pregnancy and he will be the only one delivering my child. I also have the chance to have a natural birth even though I had a c-section 1st time around. The choices are there, you just have to look for them.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

My advice would be, embrace your pregnancy, follow your instinct, listen to your body, do your research, and most importantly, find a support group. Women have been having babies for centuries, where you have your child doesn’t matter, the end result is you and your baby, that is all that matters.

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Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: UAE

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from?

Lorraine is Irish and had her children in Dubai
How old are your children and where did you have them?

I had met my husband and lived in Dubai for around eight years when we found out we were having a baby. I didn’t even consider going home to have the baby, as I was working there in a public relations agency. We considered Dubai as our home. While saying that, a lot of expatriates there do go home for a few months to have their babies. In fact, I worked right up to the day I was brought into hospital, which was a few days before the due date! I was in great form, so was really happy to do that. I had all three children in Dubai, Adam, 9, Leila, 8 and Lara, 5.

Why did you have your children abroad?What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

My antenatal care was great. There is a big English speaking community there, so there was plenty of support before and after the birth. I found it easy to meet other mums and join groups, which was fun, although obviously I missed my own mother. One great thing about having a baby when you are abroad is that you are creating your own family, that will always be with you.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Things were good, but sometimes when I was tired, I missed the support of my mother. I was lucky because I met a group of mums who encouraged me to breastfeed. It was very common there, and I never had any negative reactions. Naturally, I did cover up when I had to feed in cafes etc.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

We went to an Australian midwife for parenting classes beforehand and she warned us that in the public hospital, we would have to be really firm about certain things, eg not wanting an epidural, or episiotomy. She also told us to insist if I wanted to be active during the birth, and also to insist on breastfeeding. I found the hospital staff nice, but in some cases I felt they intervened more than necessary. When I went for a standard check up for my first child, they felt the heart beat was not strong enough, and kept me in, and ended up inducing me. But at the same time they kept giving me meals, which were curries. I was violently sick. On my second child, I didn’t go to hospital until I was quite advanced in labour, partially because I wanted to avoid unnecessary interventions. On my third child, I had to be induced after 12 days. Up to then, my doctor kept trying to get me to be induced, but she did listen whenI said I wanted to wait.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Research your options beforehand, and be firm if you can. Make sure your husband knows what you want. Don’t be too upset if the birth doesn’t go as you expected. And make sure to meet lots of other mums. It’s really important to build a support network.

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Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: UNITED KINGDOM

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Pauline who is French and had her daughter in the UK. Here is her story:

Pauline and Emilie

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

My name is Pauline, I am 31 and I am originally from France. I came to the UK when I was 18 to improve my English. It was supposed to be a year out but I decided to stay and I now live in Sussex with my half French-half English husband and our 4 months old daughter Emilie. She was born in England at our local hospital.

Why did you have your daughter abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

I had my daughter in the UK because it is where we live. We never thought about having her in France as it would have been too impractical and my husband wouldn’t have been able to be there due to work.

I like the English attitude to pregnancy and birth. Unless there is a problem, it is a very ‘hands-off’ approach. I was referred to the community midwife who saw me once a month at first, then fortnightly the last trimester, and I had two growth scans at 12 and 20 weeks. I only saw an obstetrician when I was giving birth because it ended up being a ventouse and forceps delivery.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I was very relaxed. I didn’t expect to feel this way at all; I had a lot of misgivings about the National Health Service when I first moved to England and I wasn’t reassured by my subsequent visits to the doctor, whereas my experience of French medical care had been very good, especially access to specialists. But I am actually glad I wasn’t in France where pregnancy and birth are much more medicalised, as if being pregnant is a disease that has to be managed rather than a natural thing.

I had a choice about the kind of birth I would prefer; I wrote a birth plan and discussed it with the midwife. The worst bit was the hospital ward, it was hot and crowded and the food was inedible, but I knew this would be the case as it is the same in most hospitals in England.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

I had heard that to reach their targets and to save money, midwives may try to dissuade me from having an epidural, but that wasn’t my experience. They do prefer for births to be as natural as possible but I was given one without difficulty when I asked. I could have chosen a water birth or a home delivery and this would have been accommodated as much as possible. This is not at all the norm in France, you might have to fight to have the birth you want.

It is also unusual to want to breastfeed in France, whereas doctors and midwives in the UK are very pro-breastfeeding, to the degree that if you choose to formula-feed, it can be difficult not to feel guilty. But the level of support differs widely from place to place and it is common for many women to give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. I had fantastic support. Whilst still in hospital, a lactation consultant showed me different latching techniques and helped me write a feeding plan for the first 4 days after the birth. There was a breastfeeding room on the ward where I was taught how to express as well.

Some people also look at me strangely when I say that I co-sleep, it is encouraged that babies should learn to sleep independently from a very young age and that I am ‘making a rod for my own back’ and she will still need me to fall asleep when she is 7 years old if I don’t wean her off it now. It seems to be quite a controversial practice but it is what works best for us however I don’t know if it is different in other countries. My sister who never left France still occasionally breastfeeds her 3-year-old and co-slept so I thought it was normal until I read otherwise on this website!!!

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

I was quite lucky that I am fluent in English so there were no language issues, otherwise my experience would have been very different. Read a pregnancy book, go on online forums to get another perspective and bring a list of questions to your midwife, otherwise they will just do the checks and leave you to it.

Find out more about Pauline on here Blog , on Facebook and Twitter

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Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: SOUTH AFRICA

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

My name is Rilla, I’m 27, French and I’m a translator. I grew up in Strasbourg, France, but I now live in South Africa, where I’ve been for 2 years already. I have a 18mo son and I’m pregnant with my second son, who is due some time in February.

Why did you have your children abroad?

My husband and I were newly weds, out of jobs and visas in Israel, when we decided to move to South Africa, his country of origin. And that’s when we found out that I was expecting! It wasn’t planned at all but we welcomed the news, and honestly, looking back today, we see that we have grown a lot together thanks to this adventure. We didn’t go to France because we expected it would be more difficult work-wise as my husband hadn’t started learning French yet, and I wanted to experience life in his country. So South Africa seemed an obvious choice to us.

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

To me the best aspects are multiculturalism and multilingualism. My baby is brought up in a French-Afrikaans environment, with a Tswana nanny. All three mentalities are very different, and I hope to raise children who have an understanding of the world and of others, who will not judge based on appearances but learn to respect others first and foremost. That is why it is important to me that my son learns his nanny’s language too. So I speak only French to him, my husband only Afrikaans and the nanny only Tswana. Surprisingly, he is not confused a bit by all this “babel-ing”! He understands Afrikaans and French perfectly, and Tswana quite well too I think, although he speaks mostly Afrikaans. And he speaks a lot for an 18mo, so all these languages are not delaying his speech in anyway thus far.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I found it a little frustrating at times to be so far from my family and friends. Only one friend saw me pregnant, and I wish I had been to be able to share more of these moments with those I love, back in France. I still have my grand-parents, and I am the eldest in the family, so my children are their first great-grandchildren, and I felt like I was depriving them of the honour to see their descendants growing -by the way, at 80 years old, they are taking the trip of their life to come and stay with us for a month!

So for me, living abroad is a sacrifice when it comes to relationships.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

After Brazil, South Africa has the second highest rate of C-sections and it is the norm to opt for an elective C. In the province of Johannesburg, the rate is 80%. So when I told the gynaecologist that I wanted a natural birth, he basically told me, TIA baby! (This Is Africa)…”You’re not in Europe, birth is risky here”… That’s the mindset around here, so for many, my choice seemed irresponsible. Thankfully, my husband supported this project and we decided to find a private midwife. We struggled, but eventually we found a great one whom I learned to trust, and I don’t think I would like to give birth with someone else now.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Three things come to me.

First, have it your way! If you feel like the kind of birth you seek is not the norm where you are, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you feel at peace with yourself and the way you bring your child into the world, and that you are empowered by it!

Secondly, develop a network of support. A pregnant woman has a lot of questions/thoughts going on, and it helps so much to simply be able to chat about things. Most of the time, we find answers for ourselves, we don’t need expert advice 🙂 Once we can express all the feelings and emotions, they sort themselves out and it is helpful to have people around to offer some support when feeling tired, or in need of a break -including a break from the baby!

And finally, this last advice was given to me by a friend here and I believe it made a difference for us: make room for your husband to get involved. We, new mothers, all want our new father to help and “get his hands dirty”, but we tend to feel like he’s not doing it as well as he should. So my friend told me to make sure I let him participate freely. Whatever he’s doing, whether he’s changing a nappy or taking a bath with the baby for example, don’t look over his shoulder, rather leave the room and let him do it his way. The nappy may not be perfectly adjusted, or he’s not holding the baby the “right way” and so on, but your lil’ angel will be fine and your husband will gain confidence and bond with his child, and that’s worth the effort.

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: SPAIN

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Bibsey Mama and her daughter

Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Bibsey Mama who is British and had her daughter in Spain. Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

I am a first- time full-time mum living in Southern Spain. My partner and I left the rat race in London and moved here just over two years ago when I was only a few weeks pregnant. My little girl, was born in hospital here in Spain. She is now 19 months old and is a walking, talking and being generally fabulous. We have a lovely life and this is a beautiful country but I do miss family and friends and the support that they naturally provide.

Why did you have your daughter abroad?

I didn’t specifically ‘chose’ to have my child abroad. I found out that I was pregnant a matter of days before we packed up the car and moved to Spain. I do wonder sometimes what we would have done if I had got pregnant a few months earlier. Had there been a bit more time to consider things perhaps we would have stayed put so that I could have had the baby in England. As it was we had both left our jobs, given up our flat, packed about 90% of our belongings off the charity shop and said most of our goodbyes. I don’t think that at the time staying in the UK even occurred to us as an option. I think I am glad that this is how it happened. I am not good with difficult decisions and given more time to think about things I would have been in a right pickle.

The move to Spain was right for us in so many ways. However, my experience of giving birth in hospital here in Spain was not good. And I can’t help but wonder if I would have been any better off in the UK.

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

The list of benefits to bringing up your children abroad could be as long as your arm and so dependent on the country that you move to of course. Here in Spain children are adored by the whole of society. There are no looks of disapproval if you are out and about with your child even if she is bawling her head off. The Spanish are just incredibly sociable and children are embedded in almost every aspect of life. And breast feeding in public is so accepted here which makes it much easier when it is your first time.

The downside to this is that everyone has an opinion. When my little one was very small I couldn’t leave the house with her without someone coming up to me to tell me that she would be too cold/hot in whatever I had her dressed. After a while I just came to accept this as friendly interest. It was either that or go a little bit mad with the interference.

Other benefits of having kids here in Spain is how much safer and more stable society feels here. The kids play on the street (shame about all the dog poo though) and everyone is looking out for them: older kids; groups of old men who sit around shooting the breeze and watching the world, mothers and their babies go by; and of course the ubiquitous Spanish abuela.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Truthfully, I felt a little bit small and alone. My Spanish was not that great when I arrived but, as the pregnancy was a bit of a wonderful surprise, I had not imagined that on my arrival in Spain I would have to negotiate midwives appointments, scans, blood tests etc. I felt like I was letting my baby down when I didn’t understand everything that was going on. I wondered at times if we had been incredibly irresponsible to plough on and come here when I was pregnant especially when, at the age of 39, I was considered high risk.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

Regarding the pregnancy and the birth, I am aware that the Spanish system is incredibly procedure-driven and quite invasive in comparison to the UK. The numerous scans towards the end of the pregnancy seem to me to be a kind of interference.

What I do find here is that there is quite a lot of pressure to put your child into guardería (nursery) very early whatever your circumstances. I often find myself justifying to people why, at the the age of 19 months, I haven’t sent Bibsey to guardería yet and don’t intend to for a little while longer. My circumstances allow me to have my child at home with me for a bit longer and I am lucky for that. I don’t judge people who have made different choices. And of course some people don’t have the choices that I do.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

This is a tough one. If language is a problem, then you just have to be brave. I can remember pushing and pushing and pushing the medical professionals to help me understand what was going on and what was expected of me – almost forcing their patience out of the them. Go with your own instinct. Don’t be brow beaten into doing something that you don’t feel is right for you or your child – just as you would in your own country in fact. It’s your body and your child. I have also had a miscarriage here in Spain and I know that there were questions that I should asked but didn’t because I was too shocked and therefore unable to find the words in Spanish.

Oh, and get online, search forums, blogs, expat websites, local activities – find other women in the same boat and go out and meet them. It worked for me. One of my best friends here in Spain is someone I met on a baby website forum. When you are away from ‘home’ you need all the support that you can get.

You can find out more about Bibsey Mama on her Blog, Twitter, and Facebook

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: SINGAPORE

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Crystal's daughters

This week I talk to Crystal who is American. She shares her experience of having baby in the USA and in Singapore as part of the series The Global Differences of Baby-Making. Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

I’m 33, and when I’m not doing the wife/mom thing, I give workshops and write about sexuality during pregnancy as well as reconnecting with yourself and your partner after baby. I also love to write fiction, do photography, and bake.

My husband is a 35 year old fellow American (of Indian descent), and although he’s lived abroad many times before (as a child and as an adult), this is my first posting abroad (other than a highly structured program for one month in college). We’ve been married about five and a half years, and have two daughters; Elanor (3) and Rhiannon (born October 2011). Ravi and I are both from Massachusetts, and had been based out of the greater Boston area on and off since we were each in college in the late 90’s/early 00’s.

Elanor was born in our hometown of Boston, Massachusetts in the US and Rhiannon was born in Singapore, where we currently live.

Why did you have your children abroad?

This was an incredibly difficult decision for me to make. I agonized over the choice because Elanor became deathly ill after her birth, and we don’t have answers as to why she got as sick as she did. I’m also high risk (diabetic with pregnancy, and I was in the early stages of developing pre-eclampsia when we elected to induce Ellie’s birth). I knew that my care would require a lot of bells and whistles, and I just wasn’t sure I could find or felt confident about here in Singapore. However, I was very lucky to find a great OB who was willing to email with my OB in the states and adapt my care to simulate what I would have gotten back home (the same tests, the ante-natal assessments, etc). I was given a very thorough private tour of the hospital where I delivered, and they assured me that again, they could customize my care to meet my concerns.

Finally, giving birth in the US would have separated our family for 5 or more months as I can’t fly after 32 weeks, and the baby would need to be 6 weeks old to fly (or older, as getting a passport would have been a much slower process in the US than it was in Singapore). We were willing to do so if my condition had ever indicated that the US was where I needed to be, but thankfully while not an easy pregnancy, I remained stable enough to deliver in Singapore, and to remain with my husband and elder daughter while waiting for the younger to arrive.

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

In Singapore, once you find the right provider (I went through 5 OB’s–I found that the older, male OB’s in particular were very authoritarian and were not forthcoming with information—my OB is a younger woman, which I think had a lot to do with our connection and her flexibility), the care you receive is incredibly personal and customizable. Few people have insurance, so there’s no one dictating how frequently you see your OB, how often you get an ultrasound, or exactly what tests you HAVE to have. It’s between you and your provider to decide.

I think what blew me away the most was how personal the care was. When I needed to be rehydrated (I had hyperemesis and threw up constantly), I just went to my OB’s office and she inserted the IV herself. When I had a fall and needed to go see labor and delivery triage, she came in from home to check on me and the baby herself. There was never any question if she’d be the one to deliver my baby once she checked her calendar to ensure she wouldn’t be out of town near my due date. When my condition warranted close monitoring, we didn’t have to argue with “policy”–we just agreed that I would be seen more often. When I was hospitalized for early labor, and again after my daughter was born, my doctor dropped by my room daily (sometimes twice daily). I never questioned who would deliver my baby, or who would look after me…I knew it would be the doctor I’d picked and felt safe with.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Like I said, I had a lot of initial anxiety. Boston is known for being one of the best places to receive medical care in the world, and having had a medical pregnancy, I was worried that I couldn’t get the level of care in Singapore that I’d become accustomed to in Boston. Imagine my surprise, then, that by the end of the pregnancy there were plenty of things I liked *better* about Singaporean care!

The OB I chose allowed me to have a lot of say in my care. This had its pluses (such as specifying which ante-natal tests I wanted) and its minuses (when we were deciding when to induce, I would have preferred less say and more objective science as to whether or not I should deliver on a given day). She was also really awesome about letting my former OB in the US have a lot of say regarding testing, and she also was given input when my condition began to deteriorate and we were making the decision regarding how much longer to allow my pregnancy to progress (I had Rhiannon at 35w 3d because of pre-eclampsia).

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

Well, I did get in trouble with an auntie (older woman) one time when I was visibly pregnant for drinking iced water. Many Asian cultures (including the Chinese, whom are the dominant ethnic group in Singapore) believe that pregnant women should only drink warm water, and that cold water is bad for you.

I’m also flouting convention a bit in not staying home for the first month after having a baby, and I’ve had strangers tell me that I have no business being out with the baby so soon. There’s a local practice called the “confinement month” where a confinement nurse comes over and prepares special foods for you and gives personal care to help restore balance to the body. I think there are aspects of the confinement month that are really cool (such as the only thing you should be doing is bonding with your baby) but there’s plenty that just doesn’t vibe with my American ways (not washing your hair for 40 days? No thanks!).

Breastfeeding is not popular in Singapore, where in the US there’s almost the suggestion that you’re a bad mom for not breastfeeding (which was hard for me as my breastfeeding relationship with Elanor didn’t work out). This has pluses and minuses. If you’re ambivalent about nursing or if you don’t want to/can’t, there isn’t all the mommy judgment and attitude that gets thrown your way in the US. As a mom who was on the receiving end of that judgment (Elanor couldn’t nurse for a long list of reasons) I was relieved to know that I would be spared that this time around if things didn’t work out with Rhiannon and breastfeeding. On the flip side, as a mom who *does* breastfeed my daughter, it was really frustrating to have nurses at the hospital suggest formula to help with weight gain and blood sugar, when both were within the acceptable limits of our pediatrician. There is support, but you have to really seek it out, which might make it tougher for women who don’t have as supportive a pediatrician as we do (she’s a mom who breastfed both her boys for over 2 years each).

There’s not the culture of fear in Singapore that there is in the US. I went home while pregnant (while some stuff about Singapore rocks, the markup on baby stuff does not…I made a special trip home to stock up on things that were too expensive or that I couldn’t find here…) and I was taken aback at the culture of fear in the US surrounding parenting. All of those “THINGS THAT ARE HURTING KIDS on News at 11” and the constant news about toy recalls (I haven’t heard about ONE recall since we moved here), and articles about all the things I should be worried about was pretty exhausting. I remember being annoyed by it when I lived there, but after being absent form it, it was really overwhelming. I like that in Singapore there’s this basic assumption that your kids are going to be fine (okay, they’re a bit nuts about extra schooling and that sort of thing, but we’re still a few years away from that).

The thing that’s been hardest to adjust to, though, is that Singapore is very much a closed society in some regards. There are very strict gender roles and not a lot of acceptance for homosexuality. We are very liberal on these issues, and when I found out I was having another girl, I was relieved…my husband has long hair, but if a son of ours wanted long hair as well, he get in trouble in school for it! I have a lot of LGBT friends and I identify as bi-sexual myself…I definitely worry about the impact of living in a homosexuality-negative country if either of my girls turned out to be lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. We make a point of reading LGBT friendly books to the girls, and emphasizing that they can love whomever they want (which might sound silly given their ages) because it’s important to us to pass along these values, which are not consistent with our current home country.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

I think finding the right OB is the most important thing here in Singapore. Knowing what you want and discussing those goals with the OB up front is very important. Making sure that you’re informed about what all of your choices are and then advocating for yourself is important, regardless of where you give birth. Once you find the right person to work with, it’s a great country in which to give birth.

Crystal is a wife and mom who writes and does part time sexuality education. Someday, when she has “free time,” she’d love to go back to school and learn to be a pastry chef just for fun…a desire influenced by far too many hours spent watching cake making shows on Food Network. She writes about life in Singapore, her adjustment to the expat life, and her two girls on her Blog. You can also follow her on Twitter.

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

Why did you have your children abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

Why did you have your daughter abroad?

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

Why did you have your children abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

Why did you have your children abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

Why did you have your daughter abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? Lorraine is Irish and had her children in DubaiHow old are your children and where did you have them?

Why did you have your children abroad?What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

Why did you have your daughter abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

Why did you have your children abroad?

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from?

Lorraine is Irish and had her children in Dubai
How old are your children and where did you have them?