Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: UNITED KINGDOM

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Pauline who is French and had her daughter in the UK. Here is her story:

Having baby abroad UK French Mother

Pauline and Emilie

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

My name is Pauline, I am 31 and I am originally from France. I came to the UK when I was 18 to improve my English. It was supposed to be a year out but I decided to stay and I now live in Sussex with my half French-half English husband and our 4 months old daughter Emilie. She was born in England at our local hospital.

 

Why did you have your daughter abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

I had my daughter in the UK because it is where we live. We never thought about having her in France as it would have been too impractical and my husband wouldn’t have been able to be there due to work.

 

I like the English attitude to pregnancy and birth. Unless there is a problem, it is a very ‘hands-off’ approach. I was referred to the community midwife who saw me once a month at first, then fortnightly the last trimester, and I had two growth scans at 12 and 20 weeks. I only saw an obstetrician when I was giving birth because it ended up being a ventouse and forceps delivery.

 

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I was very relaxed. I didn’t expect to feel this way at all; I had a lot of misgivings about the National Health Service when I first moved to England and I wasn’t reassured by my subsequent visits to the doctor, whereas my experience of French medical care had been very good, especially access to specialists. But I am actually glad I wasn’t in France where pregnancy and birth are much more medicalised, as if being pregnant is a disease that has to be managed rather than a natural thing.

 

I had a choice about the kind of birth I would prefer; I wrote a birth plan and discussed it with the midwife. The worst bit was the hospital ward, it was hot and crowded and the food was inedible, but I knew this would be the case as it is the same in most hospitals in England.

 

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

I had heard that to reach their targets and to save money, midwives may try to dissuade me from having an epidural, but that wasn’t my experience. They do prefer for births to be as natural as possible but I was given one without difficulty when I asked. I could have chosen a water birth or a home delivery and this would have been accommodated as much as possible. This is not at all the norm in France, you might have to fight to have the birth you want.

 

It is also unusual to want to breastfeed in France, whereas doctors and midwives in the UK are very pro-breastfeeding, to the degree that if you choose to formula-feed, it can be difficult not to feel guilty. But the level of support differs widely from place to place and it is common for many women to give up breastfeeding after a few weeks. I had fantastic support. Whilst still in hospital, a lactation consultant showed me different latching techniques and helped me write a feeding plan for the first 4 days after the birth. There was a breastfeeding room on the ward where I was taught how to express as well.

 

Some people also look at me strangely when I say that I co-sleep, it is encouraged that babies should learn to sleep independently from a very young age and that I am ‘making a rod for my own back’ and she will still need me to fall asleep when she is 7 years old if I don’t wean her off it now. It seems to be quite a controversial practice but it is what works best for us however I don’t know if it is different in other countries. My sister who never left France still occasionally breastfeeds her 3-year-old and co-slept so I thought it was normal until I read otherwise on this website!!!

 

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

I was quite lucky that I am fluent in English so there were no language issues, otherwise my experience would have been very different. Read a pregnancy book, go on online forums to get another perspective and bring a list of questions to your midwife, otherwise they will just do the checks and leave you to it.

Find out more about Pauline on here Blog , on Facebook and Twitter

 

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

 

 

It’s been TOO long!

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Yes, it’s been too long! I haven’t posted here in a while and well, I feel really bad.

Just today I caught Fadra on Twitter and said how it had been a LONG time since I took part in Stream of Consciousness Sunday. I also asked her how she does it; managing 2 blogs at the same time. She told me it was “HARD” and that she works late making sure she can keep both blogs consistently running.

I’m the first person to say that if you WANT to do something it will happen. But, I didn’t listen to my mantra.

Well, it’s the new year and I am planning to post at least twice a week on this site. I have another site, one that is my business so it get’s my full attention but Mummy in Provence is my baby, it’s how I started blogging and learning about social media. With over 130 posts I’m not going to let it go like that.

I’ve had challenges with this site in terms of design that got so frustrating I had to take a break. BUT! Whilst I iron them out I’ll keep at it.

Maybe you can help me – this site actually COSTS me money which is fine but I am struggling with one thing right now:

My Global Mama series is in desperate need of new posts … if you have had a baby abroad or know someone who has please can you tell them about the series “The Global Differences of Baby-Making”?

I get emails from other mothers who have said how much the series has interested them and some said it helped them feel part of a community of other mothers who’ve experienced the same thing.

Anyway, that’s it from me. I’ll try and keep my word about keeping this site updated with the info you all come here looking for!

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This is my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

 

 

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: SOUTH AFRICA

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Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Rilla who isFrench and had her son in South Africa. Here is her story:

having baby south africaTell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

My name is Rilla, I’m 27, French and I’m a translator. I grew up in Strasbourg, France, but I now live in South Africa, where I’ve been for 2 years already. I have a 18mo son and I’m pregnant with my second son, who is due some time in February.

 

Why did you have your children abroad?

My husband and I were newly weds, out of jobs and visas in Israel, when we decided to move to South Africa, his country of origin. And that’s when we found out that I was expecting! It wasn’t planned at all but we welcomed the news, and honestly, looking back today, we see that we have grown a lot together thanks to this adventure. We didn’t go to France because we expected it would be more difficult work-wise as my husband hadn’t started learning French yet, and I wanted to experience life in his country. So South Africa seemed an obvious choice to us.

 

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

To me the best aspects are multiculturalism and multilingualism. My baby is brought up in a French-Afrikaans environment, with a Tswana nanny. All three mentalities are very different, and I hope to raise children who have an understanding of the world and of others, who will not judge based on appearances but learn to respect others first and foremost. That is why it is important to me that my son learns his nanny’s language too. So I speak only French to him, my husband only Afrikaans and the nanny only Tswana. Surprisingly, he is not confused a bit by all this “babel-ing”! He understands Afrikaans and French perfectly, and Tswana quite well too I think, although he speaks mostly Afrikaans. And he speaks a lot for an 18mo, so all these languages are not delaying his speech in anyway thus far.

 

having baby abroad south africaAs an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

I found it a little frustrating at times to be so far from my family and friends. Only one friend saw me pregnant, and I wish I had been to be able to share more of these moments with those I love, back in France. I still have my grand-parents, and I am the eldest in the family, so my children are their first great-grandchildren, and I felt like I was depriving them of the honour to see their descendants growing -by the way, at 80 years old, they are taking the trip of their life to come and stay with us for a month!

So for me, living abroad is a sacrifice when it comes to relationships.

 

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

After Brazil, South Africa has the second highest rate of C-sections and it is the norm to opt for an elective C. In the province of Johannesburg, the rate is 80%. So when I told the gynaecologist that I wanted a natural birth, he basically told me, TIA baby! (This Is Africa)…”You’re not in Europe, birth is risky here”… That’s the mindset around here, so for many, my choice seemed irresponsible. Thankfully, my husband supported this project and we decided to find a private midwife. We struggled, but eventually we found a great one whom I learned to trust, and I don’t think I would like to give birth with someone else now.

 

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

Three things come to me.

First, have it your way! If you feel like the kind of birth you seek is not the norm where you are, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you feel at peace with yourself and the way you bring your child into the world, and that you are empowered by it!

Secondly, develop a network of support. A pregnant woman has a lot of questions/thoughts going on, and it helps so much to simply be able to chat about things. Most of the time, we find answers for ourselves, we don’t need expert advice 🙂 Once we can express all the feelings and emotions, they sort themselves out and it is helpful to have people around to offer some support when feeling tired, or in need of a break -including a break from the baby!

And finally, this last advice was given to me by a friend here and I believe it made a difference for us: make room for your husband to get involved. We, new mothers, all want our new father to help and “get his hands dirty”, but we tend to feel like he’s not doing it as well as he should. So my friend told me to make sure I let him participate freely. Whatever he’s doing, whether he’s changing a nappy or taking a bath with the baby for example, don’t look over his shoulder, rather leave the room and let him do it his way. The nappy may not be perfectly adjusted, or he’s not holding the baby the “right way” and so on, but your lil’ angel will be fine and your husband will gain confidence and bond with his child, and that’s worth the effort.

 

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: SPAIN

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Having baby in spain

Bibsey Mama and her daughter

Next up in the series of The Global Differences of Baby-Making I talk to Bibsey Mama who is British and had her daughter in Spain. Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your daughter and where did you have her?

I am a first- time full-time mum living in Southern Spain. My partner and I left the rat race in London and moved here just over two years ago when I was only a few weeks pregnant. My little girl, was born in hospital here in Spain. She is now 19 months old and is a walking, talking and being generally fabulous. We have a lovely life and this is a beautiful country but I do miss family and friends and the support that they naturally provide.

Why did you have your daughter abroad?

I didn’t specifically ‘chose’ to have my child abroad. I found out that I was pregnant a matter of days before we packed up the car and moved to Spain. I do wonder sometimes what we would have done if I had got pregnant a few months earlier. Had there been a bit more time to consider things perhaps we would have stayed put so that I could have had the baby in England. As it was we had both left our jobs, given up our flat, packed about 90% of our belongings off the charity shop and said most of our goodbyes. I don’t think that at the time staying in the UK even occurred to us as an option. I think I am glad that this is how it happened. I am not good with difficult decisions and given more time to think about things I would have been in a right pickle.

The move to Spain was right for us in so many ways. However, my experience of giving birth in hospital here in Spain was not good. And I can’t help but wonder if I would have been any better off in the UK.

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

The list of benefits to bringing up your children abroad could be as long as your arm and so dependent on the country that you move to of course. Here in Spain children are adored by the whole of society. There are no looks of disapproval if you are out and about with your child even if she is bawling her head off. The Spanish are just incredibly sociable and children are embedded in almost every aspect of life. And breast feeding in public is so accepted here which makes it much easier when it is your first time.

The downside to this is that everyone has an opinion. When my little one was very small I couldn’t leave the house with her without someone coming up to me to tell me that she would be too cold/hot in whatever I had her dressed. After a while I just came to accept this as friendly interest. It was either that or go a little bit mad with the interference.

Other benefits of having kids here in Spain is how much safer and more stable society feels here. The kids play on the street (shame about all the dog poo though) and everyone is looking out for them: older kids; groups of old men who sit around shooting the breeze and watching the world, mothers and their babies go by; and of course the ubiquitous Spanish abuela.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Truthfully, I felt a little bit small and alone. My Spanish was not that great when I arrived but, as the pregnancy was a bit of a wonderful surprise, I had not imagined that on my arrival in Spain I would have to negotiate midwives appointments, scans, blood tests etc. I felt like I was letting my baby down when I didn’t understand everything that was going on. I wondered at times if we had been incredibly irresponsible to plough on and come here when I was pregnant especially when, at the age of 39, I was considered high risk.

having baby spainDid you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

Regarding the pregnancy and the birth, I am aware that the Spanish system is incredibly procedure-driven and quite invasive in comparison to the UK. The numerous scans towards the end of the pregnancy seem to me to be a kind of interference.

What I do find here is that there is quite a lot of pressure to put your child into guardería (nursery) very early whatever your circumstances. I often find myself justifying to people why, at the the age of 19 months, I haven’t sent Bibsey to guardería yet and don’t intend to for a little while longer. My circumstances allow me to have my child at home with me for a bit longer and I am lucky for that. I don’t judge people who have made different choices. And of course some people don’t have the choices that I do.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

This is a tough one. If language is a problem, then you just have to be brave. I can remember pushing and pushing and pushing the medical professionals to help me understand what was going on and what was expected of me – almost forcing their patience out of the them. Go with your own instinct. Don’t be brow beaten into doing something that you don’t feel is right for you or your child – just as you would in your own country in fact. It’s your body and your child. I have also had a miscarriage here in Spain and I know that there were questions that I should asked but didn’t because I was too shocked and therefore unable to find the words in Spanish.

Oh, and get online, search forums, blogs, expat websites, local activities – find other women in the same boat and go out and meet them. It worked for me. One of my best friends here in Spain is someone I met on a baby website forum. When you are away from ‘home’ you need all the support that you can get.

You can find out more about Bibsey Mama on her Blog, Twitter, and Facebook

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com

 

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: SINGAPORE

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having a baby in Singapore

Crystal's daughters

This week I talk to Crystal who is American. She shares her experience of having baby in the USA and in Singapore as part of the series The Global Differences of Baby-Making. Here is her story:

 

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old are your children and where did you have them?

I’m 33, and when I’m not doing the wife/mom thing, I give workshops and write about sexuality during pregnancy as well as reconnecting with yourself and your partner after baby. I also love to write fiction, do photography, and bake.

My husband is a 35 year old fellow American (of Indian descent), and although he’s lived abroad many times before (as a child and as an adult), this is my first posting abroad (other than a highly structured program for one month in college). We’ve been married about five and a half years, and have two daughters; Elanor (3) and Rhiannon (born October 2011). Ravi and I are both from Massachusetts, and had been based out of the greater Boston area on and off since we were each in college in the late 90’s/early 00’s.

Elanor was born in our hometown of Boston, Massachusetts in the US and Rhiannon was born in Singapore, where we currently live.

Why did you have your children abroad?

This was an incredibly difficult decision for me to make. I agonized over the choice because Elanor became deathly ill after her birth, and we don’t have answers as to why she got as sick as she did. I’m also high risk (diabetic with pregnancy, and I was in the early stages of developing pre-eclampsia when we elected to induce Ellie’s birth). I knew that my care would require a lot of bells and whistles, and I just wasn’t sure I could find or felt confident about here in Singapore. However, I was very lucky to find a great OB who was willing to email with my OB in the states and adapt my care to simulate what I would have gotten back home (the same tests, the ante-natal assessments, etc). I was given a very thorough private tour of the hospital where I delivered, and they assured me that again, they could customize my care to meet my concerns.

 

Finally, giving birth in the US would have separated our family for 5 or more months as I can’t fly after 32 weeks, and the baby would need to be 6 weeks old to fly (or older, as getting a passport would have been a much slower process in the US than it was in Singapore). We were willing to do so if my condition had ever indicated that the US was where I needed to be, but thankfully while not an easy pregnancy, I remained stable enough to deliver in Singapore, and to remain with my husband and elder daughter while waiting for the younger to arrive.

 

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

In Singapore, once you find the right provider (I went through 5 OB’s–I found that the older, male OB’s in particular were very authoritarian and were not forthcoming with information—my OB is a younger woman, which I think had a lot to do with our connection and her flexibility), the care you receive is incredibly personal and customizable. Few people have insurance, so there’s no one dictating how frequently you see your OB, how often you get an ultrasound, or exactly what tests you HAVE to have. It’s between you and your provider to decide.

 

I think what blew me away the most was how personal the care was. When I needed to be rehydrated (I had hyperemesis and threw up constantly), I just went to my OB’s office and she inserted the IV herself. When I had a fall and needed to go see labor and delivery triage, she came in from home to check on me and the baby herself. There was never any question if she’d be the one to deliver my baby once she checked her calendar to ensure she wouldn’t be out of town near my due date. When my condition warranted close monitoring, we didn’t have to argue with “policy”–we just agreed that I would be seen more often. When I was hospitalized for early labor, and again after my daughter was born, my doctor dropped by my room daily (sometimes twice daily). I never questioned who would deliver my baby, or who would look after me…I knew it would be the doctor I’d picked and felt safe with.

 

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

Like I said, I had a lot of initial anxiety. Boston is known for being one of the best places to receive medical care in the world, and having had a medical pregnancy, I was worried that I couldn’t get the level of care in Singapore that I’d become accustomed to in Boston. Imagine my surprise, then, that by the end of the pregnancy there were plenty of things I liked *better* about Singaporean care!

 

The OB I chose allowed me to have a lot of say in my care. This had its pluses (such as specifying which ante-natal tests I wanted) and its minuses (when we were deciding when to induce, I would have preferred less say and more objective science as to whether or not I should deliver on a given day). She was also really awesome about letting my former OB in the US have a lot of say regarding testing, and she also was given input when my condition began to deteriorate and we were making the decision regarding how much longer to allow my pregnancy to progress (I had Rhiannon at 35w 3d because of pre-eclampsia).

 

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

Well, I did get in trouble with an auntie (older woman) one time when I was visibly pregnant for drinking iced water. Many Asian cultures (including the Chinese, whom are the dominant ethnic group in Singapore) believe that pregnant women should only drink warm water, and that cold water is bad for you.

 

I’m also flouting convention a bit in not staying home for the first month after having a baby, and I’ve had strangers tell me that I have no business being out with the baby so soon. There’s a local practice called the “confinement month” where a confinement nurse comes over and prepares special foods for you and gives personal care to help restore balance to the body. I think there are aspects of the confinement month that are really cool (such as the only thing you should be doing is bonding with your baby) but there’s plenty that just doesn’t vibe with my American ways (not washing your hair for 40 days? No thanks!).

Breastfeeding is not popular in Singapore, where in the US there’s almost the suggestion that you’re a bad mom for not breastfeeding (which was hard for me as my breastfeeding relationship with Elanor didn’t work out). This has pluses and minuses. If you’re ambivalent about nursing or if you don’t want to/can’t, there isn’t all the mommy judgment and attitude that gets thrown your way in the US. As a mom who was on the receiving end of that judgment (Elanor couldn’t nurse for a long list of reasons) I was relieved to know that I would be spared that this time around if things didn’t work out with Rhiannon and breastfeeding. On the flip side, as a mom who *does* breastfeed my daughter, it was really frustrating to have nurses at the hospital suggest formula to help with weight gain and blood sugar, when both were within the acceptable limits of our pediatrician. There is support, but you have to really seek it out, which might make it tougher for women who don’t have as supportive a pediatrician as we do (she’s a mom who breastfed both her boys for over 2 years each).

 

There’s not the culture of fear in Singapore that there is in the US. I went home while pregnant (while some stuff about Singapore rocks, the markup on baby stuff does not…I made a special trip home to stock up on things that were too expensive or that I couldn’t find here…) and I was taken aback at the culture of fear in the US surrounding parenting. All of those “THINGS THAT ARE HURTING KIDS on News at 11” and the constant news about toy recalls (I haven’t heard about ONE recall since we moved here), and articles about all the things I should be worried about was pretty exhausting. I remember being annoyed by it when I lived there, but after being absent form it, it was really overwhelming. I like that in Singapore there’s this basic assumption that your kids are going to be fine (okay, they’re a bit nuts about extra schooling and that sort of thing, but we’re still a few years away from that).

 

The thing that’s been hardest to adjust to, though, is that Singapore is very much a closed society in some regards. There are very strict gender roles and not a lot of acceptance for homosexuality. We are very liberal on these issues, and when I found out I was having another girl, I was relieved…my husband has long hair, but if a son of ours wanted long hair as well, he get in trouble in school for it! I have a lot of LGBT friends and I identify as bi-sexual myself…I definitely worry about the impact of living in a homosexuality-negative country if either of my girls turned out to be lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. We make a point of reading LGBT friendly books to the girls, and emphasizing that they can love whomever they want (which might sound silly given their ages) because it’s important to us to pass along these values, which are not consistent with our current home country.

 

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

I think finding the right OB is the most important thing here in Singapore. Knowing what you want and discussing those goals with the OB up front is very important. Making sure that you’re informed about what all of your choices are and then advocating for yourself is important, regardless of where you give birth. Once you find the right person to work with, it’s a great country in which to give birth.

Crystal is a wife and mom who writes and does part time sexuality education. Someday, when she has “free time,” she’d love to go back to school and learn to be a pastry chef just for fun…a desire influenced by far too many hours spent watching cake making shows on Food Network. She writes about life in Singapore, her adjustment to the expat life, and her two girls on her Blog. You can also follow her on Twitter.

 

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com


Stream of Consciousness Sunday: I finally gave myself permission

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I have been working for a few months on developing a business that I find exciting, fulfilling, and rewarding. I’ve worked for myself for the last 5 years and have been constantly searching for something more, something else.

Just a few weeks ago I was depressed with what I was doing work wise – I love marketing, I really do but it was lacking something. I’ve never been one to conform to rules or traditions so I decided it was time I developed something that was MINE, all mine.

So, I’m still doing marketing but I’m doing it visually. I can’t use photoshop or any design programmes but years ago I went to art school – I never felt I was good enough to be an artist so I quit and studied History of Modern Art, then realised I didn’t want to be a critic so I went and did a Masters in Marketing. The corporate world didn’t work out (remember, I said I suck at conforming?)

Anyway, finally, I have given myself permission to bring together the elements that make me who I am today.

I’m excited, super excited actually. It’s been a giant leap for me, but giving myself the permission to go out there and DO has unleashed a part of me that I can’t wait to rediscover!

This is what I’m talking about …

Is there something you are longing to do but won’t allow yourself to do it? 

What’s holding you back?

 

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This is my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

 

 

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: COLOMBIA

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having baby abroad columbia

Laura and her son

This week I talk to Laura who is English. She shares her experience of having a home birth in Colombia as part of the series The Global Differences of Baby-Making. Here is her story:

 

Tell me a bit about yourself? Where are you from? How old is your son and where did you have him?

I am mum to gorgeous 3 month old baby boy. I am English and my partner is Colombian and we had our little boy in our apartment in Bogotá, in the middle of the night.

 

Why did you have your children abroad? What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?

I work in the humanitarian sector and while working in Colombia I met my partner. When we decided we would love to have a baby together, there was no conscious decision about where to have the baby, we were in Colombia so I think we just assumed that is where we would have it. One of the perks of having a baby in Colombia is the very special treatment you get as a pregnant lady.

You are literally treated like a VIP, everyone does everything for you and you never have to queue for anything (which is great in a heavily bureaucratic country). Needless to say I became very lazy! Since having our little one I have found the attitude to breastfeeding very positive and there is no shame in breastfeeding in public and people are generally very accommodating.

 

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?

In general I felt fine about being abroad, I did miss my family and friends in the UK but then I always do.

The thing that affected my feelings the most was the health system I encountered here which I thoroughly disagree with and this resulted in me feeling very frustrated, sad and angry at points. I still struggle with the heavily privatised system, where quality and a say in your health comes at a very high price and is only available for a select few and I still become extremely vexed at how decisions are made on a purely money making basis and not in the interests of the patients (I could go on a length here).

Therefore in terms of my birth I felt absolutely distraught at the thought of going anywhere near a hospital.

After a lot of tears and despair we finally found one of the two doctors in Colombia who do “alternative births” with midwives (midwifery is not a recognised profession) and who place emphasis on partners having a say in there birthing process. As a result we had a very special experience that would not have happened in the UK with a midwife, a woman who is training to be a midwife and the doctor in our home. My partner cooked for everyone, the atmosphere was calm, we passed contractions in the garden, in the bath, walking in the living room and because this is not common in Colombia I think the relationships between all the people involved will be lifelong. We are not just a number of deliveries for the professionals involved, we are part of a very special group.

 

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?

I will try to be brief…… the biggy for me was that fathers are not allowed to be involved in the births. I find this incredible and we were given many different reasons why this is, including that Colombian men are weak! This ultimately led to our decision to have a home birth.

I then discovered that the most likely outcome during the birth here is a cesarean, we were actually told on more than one occasion that this is just easier and that the idea is to fill and then empty beds quickly! Many women are encouraged and choose to have cesareans. Women are given an epidural without question and there is very limited opportunity to have an active birth, all contractions must be done on your back.

One of my most shocking experiences was at an antenatal class where the teacher criticised arab countries methods of birth, making a racist and sexist comment about how terrible it must be to have women delivering your baby and even more so with their faces covered.

Now what is funny is had I been in the UK I would have without question had my baby in the hospital and I have to admit I think I would have considered an epidural but what angered me here is that I didn´t have a say, even an opportunity to be involved in my own delivery and I would have had to be on my own.

 

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?

I would advise not only mothers and fathers from abroad but also those in Colombia or in similar health systems to look for a way to express their rights. You should have a say in your birth plan and your health.

Yes, you might not have a choice in the end, if there is an emergency, but this might not happen. Fathers at my antenatal group wanted to be part of the birth, my doctor admitted that where possible a natural and active birth is the healthy option and that a fathers presence is vitally important in building respect for women and reducing violence in the family, especially in a macho society.

What gives me hope is that the midwives in Colombia are petitioning the government to recognise their profession and the birth choices it brings with it. Birth and health practices in general should not be about what is easier and more cost effective but what is right for the person receiving the health services.

 

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com


Stream of Consciousness Sunday: The Mother Tongue Myth

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Here is my 5 minute brain dump as part of this great series. Here goes …

I always knew that living in France BiP would obviously speak French. At some point. When she was a tiny baby people would ask me why I was only speaking to her in English. They would say that she would be disadvantaged at school if I only spoke English to her. I decided I’d not corrupt her French by speaking my bad French to her and instead persevere with English.

NOW she is almost 19m old and seems to speak a LOT more French than anything else. I’m stumped. We only speak English at home and until BiP was 14m old she was always with me – now she spends 9 hours a week surrounded only by French speakers.

She even translates everything I say:

I’ll say:

“Let’s go run your bath” – she replies “bain!”
“Let’s wash your hands” – she replies “main!”
“More?” – she says “encore!” (actually it’s more like “cor” but sounds nothing like more).

I’m still winning with words like car, cat, bye-bye, mummy and daddy!

Just yesterday she was running around yelling “Bag! Bag! Bag!” waving her hand in the air – I looked for the bag in question and saw she had found a ring in my jewelry box and was actually saying “bague” (ring in French)

Looks like I have a lot of baby French to learn!

Kinda blows the whole idea of a “MOTHER tongue”out of the water eh?

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This is my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post at all.things.fadra.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Having a Baby Abroad – Global Differences Series: HOLLAND

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Having a baby abroad in hollandThis week I talk to Monique who is American. She shares her experience of having both her daughters in Holland as part of the series The Global Differences of Baby-Making. Here is her story:

Tell me a bit about yourself?
I am a former attorney turned freelance writer and blogger, living in the Netherlands with my husband and 2 daughters. While I wasn’t athletic and didn’t participate in sports growing up, these days I proudly proclaim that I’m a runner and participate in races in a variety of destinations every chance I get.

Where are you from?
I was born and raised in California, went to school Indiana and Washington, DC and lived for a while in Connecticut.

How old are your children and where did you have them?
I have two daughters, aged 10 and 7, both of whom where born in the Netherlands.

Why did you have your children abroad?
There was no master plan to move overseas to have children. We had been living in the Netherlands for a while due to my husband’s work, with no immediate plans to return back to the United States and we were ready to have a family.

What do you feel were the benefits to having children abroad?
The custom in the Netherlands is to have the baby at home, not use an epidural and to have a kraamzorg, or nurse, come to your home after the birth of the baby.

While I didn’t “go Dutch” completely when having my children, but I did take advantage of some of the customs. I was not interested in having my children at home, but I did use a midwife, as is common and encouraged for women under 35 who aren’t experiencing any complications during pregnancy. I choose to forgo the epidural during the birth of my first child, but didn’t have that option with youngest daughter, since I need to have an emergency Cesarean. I did have a kraamzorg with both children, and having someone help you during those first few days after you bring your child home is a delightful pleasure every new mother should have.

As an expectant mother abroad how did you feel?
It was a little unsettling at first because the customs were different than where I was from. I relied heavily on “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” and the website “Baby Center” to get answers and information from the cultural perspective I was used to.

Did you encounter any opinions that would have been different in your home country with regards to your pregnancy or parenting choices?
During my first pregnancy, my midwife mentioned that it was fine have wine, but it should be limited to a glass a night. This goes totally against what is expected in America, and I went with the American recommendation and abstained during both pregnancies. Breast-feeding was also not as popular a choice here when I had my children, and though not discouraged, I didn’t feel as though I had a lot of support around me regarding that decision.

What advice would you give other mothers in your situation?
Try to embrace the customs the country you live in but in the end don’t stress yourself our and do what’s best for you.

 

Monique Rubin writes about Netherlands travel for Examiner.com and her family’s travel adventures on her blog Mo Travels. She lives in The Netherlands with her husband and two young daughters. You can follow Monique on Twitter.

 

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Want to share your story? Get in touch: ameena@mummyinprovence.com